worried. not so much that the bite on her arm will become worst, but that it’s taken quite a bit out of psyche. for one to be sick during an excursion is the worst, and I really want to do more, but all I can do is give positive support and reassure that it’ll be okay. I’m worried.

whenever I feel anxious or enraged I always tremble. I’ve seen a doctor for it, and I’ve been told that it’s an overabundance of adrenaline released in order to react to the situation.

this afternoon at work, it was triggered when these immature twats decided to mess around. their reason being, they knew a co-worker. I didn’t take it. I called them out on it, and the shut up, only to return. if I wasn’t working, god help them.

I find I’ve been surrounding myself with anything and everything to pass the time, distractions. I occupy the time with reading and art and persona. it’s been working, but I need interaction. I’ve been hanging out quite a bit, and honestly, I want to be out a lot more, but I know they’re busy or tired of being over all the time. I should contact other groups that I haven’t spent time with in a while.

I’d encountered multiple posts on the dashboard written on the subject of being misunderstood. I don’t know if any of them follow, but I wanted to say it’s alright that nobody understands.

it’s impossible to understand, at least completely. a vast majority don’t understand themselves. that’s where meaning is drawn in. if given the opportunity to sit down and explain to an individual how one feels, there’s no way it could happen. when even a small amount of understanding occurs, that’s incredible, and that’s where meaning in life and love spawns.

finished persona portable, now on to either nocturne or devil summoner. I want to hold off on persona series for a while, sort of familiarize myself with the older ports first.

I think the mythos and religious iconography is unique. the series, unlike most, delves into serious existentialism. the fact that the demons and deities reoccur in all of them is perfect. recognizing them is great. 

after running persona three and finishing the animation, I’ve been a bit obsessed with the series. the point that I’ve downloaded an emulator to run five other titles in the series. I need to find roms for the nintendo ports as well.

own opinion, the 真・女神転生 series is far superior to final fantasy.

tomorrow night a few of us are doing fireworks over here. there’s this great spot not even a minute walk. this is the fifth instance of writing of fireworks on this account, and if you read the previous, you’ll know I see fireworks as pure aesthetic. the immense light and sound, followed by the engulfing black. fireworks carry all the ideals of aesthetic that I carry.

you’re completely right. I’ll take this time to reconnect with those I’ve strayed from. when you return you’ll have experienced a lot, and so I’ll work to keep up.

you’ll definitely learn a lot, gain perspectives, insights, hopes. I can’t wait to hear them. I want to hear everything, enough so that I can gain insight.

it’s only been the first day of seventy, and I already miss you. a lot reminds myself of you.

I’ll risk everything for this, no matter the outcome. I’d never forgive myself if I didn’t work for it. this is real and it’s not something I can leave so lightly. I’m scared, but I want this. for once in life I’ve experienced something real and I won’t let it end.

I’ve been miserable as of late. I’ve this constant heavy feeling that won’t leave. it’s cause she’s leaving and we haven’t had time alone yet. there’s nothing more I’d want than that, but that’s selfishness. I want her to feel at ease in this last week. perseverance is key.

I want winter when everything was cold and routine. this heat and humidity makes for tempers and irrationality. the ice was quiet and calm. this is rash and quick. vehemence lingers in the air and it’s noisy. bring the cold.

this isn’t at all as I expected. it never is.

and so he finds out about myself. she and I had kept it from him knowing that this would happen. naturally he’s upset. we’ve been together for over nine months and a few others knew before him. understandably, he’s upset.

I had hoped that by chance, she would inform him, and that he’d want to maybe meet. this isn’t it at all. he has no intention of ever meeting. ever.

I’ve approached an impasse with the other account. I think I’ll be staying on this one. false alarm.

after receiving a lot of messages regarding the personal posts and the interest in reading them, I’ve decided to stay. I realize I can write the way I want on here regardless, as well I’ve friends on here that I’d like to keep in contact with. sorry for the scare.

I’d been thinking for a while about creating a new account to replace this one. of course, this is and has always been a personal record of moments and inspiration, and therefore I would keep it all.

the reason I thought of leaving this account was a lot of the writing as of late has changed from a conversation with myself, to voicing an opinion or statement to be noticed. I didn’t want this to start with, and so I’ll make the other account. I know I’ll be asked if I’ll share it with anyone, only a few.

she’ll be leaving in less than two weeks. it’s starting to hit that I’ll be alone, I can feel the falls of isolating myself from others.

I haven’t isolated myself on purpose. it happened naturally, I wasn’t the catalyst, they were. I’ll have to rely on the static relationships I have otherwise I’ll be alone. I know I’ll be lonely without her around, but not this alone.